My Take Aways from a disaster called KITES....

Before I begin, I must put forth my disclaimers, I have got quite a bit of them. Here you go.

What you are about to read here is strictly not a movie review. Neither is it an analysis of what went right or wrong. Can I call it venting out my anger after being cheated yet again by some notable names in the industry? Hell, no. They do this all the time; it would be awfully out of place to blame them. (And If I say that I was lured by the hype & the promos that would just mean that their marketing guys had done a wonderful job.)

What am I trying here then? I would call this putting together a quick guide/manual, on what not to do if you ever wish to make a movie, of course, from the audience point of view. To cut a long story short, we would just pick 5 basic rules here. You can keep adding your own.

My reference point is one of the most hyped flick of the year,KITES.

This guide is dedicated to Mr. Rakesh Roshan (who had earlier taught us the rules of successful commercial movie making through his earlier ventures), to Anurag Basu (who had earlier beautifully demonstrated what lyrical movie making is, not to compare with the great Vishal Bharadwaj though), and last but not the least, to Hrithik Roshan (who had earlier made me believe that he is the only other actor in Bollywood apart from Aamir Khan, whose movies could be blindly trusted upon as worth-a- watch).

Without the unconditional support and selfless technical give-aways (in each frame of KITES) of all these guys, I would never have been able to complete this manual.

RULE NO.1: FLASH BACK
NEVER use flash back if you have got only redundant stuffs to follow it up on present day.

(We painfully waited right through the flashback for it to end hoping for a better treatment once we are brought back to present day. All we got there is the death scene of Hrithik. Bloody hell, the movie ended there too.)

RULE NO.2: PACE
DONOT miss out on setting the pace of your frames. Nobody has got all the time and patience in the world.

(Felt as if Hrithik and Barbara were on a summer vacation on the picturesque landscapes of Santa Fe, just chilling out, unmindful of the audience across the screen…….who kept on screaming right through the flick….COME ON GUYS, MOVE IT ……MOVE IT)

RULE NO.3: SENSE OF URGENCY WHILE FILMING ACTION
NEVER let go of the sense of urgency when you are amid action scenes.

(A very basic rule. Remember the police chases? Looked like the cops were paid to keep on driving behind the lead players’ slow moving cars and bikes. Ever heard of hand held camera? When do you use it then? While rolling up the closing credits?)

RULE NO.4: MUTING
NEVER mute the soundtrack of the frame to create suspense, that’s ridiculous.

(As if the torture was not enough, Basu decided to mute the sound track; apparently he wanted us to wonder what Yuri Suri told Hrithik about Barbara. Nobody gets away making a fool of the audience, Anurag; you better watch it next time.)

RULE NO.5: SONGS
NEVER plant songs into the plot. You just can’t stop the flow to show a song. It would feel like taking a commercial break in a boring television soap.

(This has been the downfall of numerous bollywood movies, I mean not knowing the where-tos and when-tos of our mandatory song sequences. In KITES, adding insult to injury, Hrithik and Barbara break into songs at the most inappropriate moments. This was like hitting the last nail on the coffin)

Well, you could go on and on, but the fact remains that, even with the same storyline(!), you could still make a far more interesting movie, with a little more imagination, though. I'm surprised how Mr. Roshan could sign off the end product as it is.

Anyway, better luck next time, all the casts and crews, you guys are capable of much more.